Twitch's Stream Monsters are Powerful Indeed, But Can They Help This Kraken Become a Man?

Control a Kraken's tentacles with seven cohorts in a possibly futile effort to solve the mysteries of manhood

By Jane Larkin

Partner Content by Old Spice

A few years ago some madman decided to livestream popular games on Twitch and let the audience control 'em, with every player issuing their own oft-contradictory commands. Some participants were team players, valiantly struggling to organize the unruly masses into effective game-conquering machines. Others were armchair anarchists, sabotaging the do-gooders and delighting in the chaos.

It was, in a word, pandemonium.

Apparently, Old Spice likes a little chaos. In fact, they seem to like it a lot. To promote their Krakengärd line of antiperspirant and body wash — created to aid mysterious men of many talents to navigate manhood, we're reliably informed — they've commissioned a new, three-day-long Twitch experience called S.Q.U.I.D., which stands for Shared Quests Uniting Individual Dudes.

And it starts today.

S.Q.U.I.D. stars a Kraken trying to figure out the mysteries of manhood by doing grown-up dude stuff. You know, simple things, like askin' a chick out. Meeting her parents. Attempting driver’s ed. Holding a summer job at the local cephalopod-friendly pizza joint.

Nothing too harrowing, perhaps, except that you and seven other players have to perform these tasks while each commandeering one of the Kraken's eight tentacles. You know that expression, the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing? Multiply that by eight.

Yeah, your odds aren't lookin' too good.

But hey! Twitch conquered Pokémon. Twitch even beat freakin' Dark Souls. Surely you and your seven wriggling, unstable, besuckered colleagues can manage to pull out a chair for your date without flingin' it through a window.

Well, probably. Just tryin' to be optimistic here.

S.Q.U.I.D. just went live today and will run through Sunday, with each day of gameplay focusing on a different mystery of manhood. Why look, there it is now, the livestream and chat embedded in this very page. Heed the call: S.Q.U.I.D. beckons.

To help get things moving in the right direction, IGN's Max and Brian are popping into the stream commentating and doing their best to help everyone achieve the tentacle hive mind's romantic, manly goals. Only the laziest of tentacles would rely on them for everything, though, and honestly? They don't look super trustworthy.

So, friend tentacle, your duty awaits. Kraken dude's not gonna solve those mysteries of manhood all by his lonesome. Help a poor Kraken out, or at least laugh trying. And who knows? Our betentacled lady-killer might just make it past first.

Jane Larkin has never dated a Kraken but likes to keep an open mind.

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