9 Coolest Star Wars Animals

Where does the Rancor rank?

By Max Scoville and Brian Altano

There are a lot of reasons that we love Star Wars: it has laser noises. It has drunk aliens. It has flying motorcycles. But it wouldn’t be the same without its bizarre menagerie of nonsensical wildlife. So, in the interest of science, we’ve gone through all seven Star Wars films that have been released so far, not counting the Clone Wars animated movie, the Ewok spin-offs, the 1978 Holiday Special, or the Bootleg Turkish Star Wars reinterpretation Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam and ranked our nine favorite exotic beasts.

Why nine, you ask? That’s a great question.

Brian says: Wait, are you writing an article about Star Wars animals?

Max says: Hey Brian! That’s exactly what I’m doing. Wanna help?

Brian says: Oh man, absolutely. So like, actual animal-animals, right? Not like Jar Jar? He’s like an animal but he’s really mostly man.

Max says: So, we’re not counting any of the werewolves, bug people, talking fish, or anything clearly sentient. This is just counting the creatures that they’d have in Star Wars zoos. For example...

9 - The Acklay

I’m not gonna lie, I would eat one.

Max says: Though Attack of the Clones is probably my least favorite Star Wars film, it does introduce some great critters. The arena battle on Geonosis pits the film’s heroes against three awesome monsters, the Acklay, the Reek, and the Nexu. The Reek is basically a colorful bull-rhinoceros that tramples Jango Fett, and the Nexu is a gross spider-tiger-opossum hybrid that tries to rip off Padme’s shirt, but the Acklay is a giant shrieking crab dinosaur, and that makes it the clear winner in our book. Er, “listicle,” whatever.

Brian says: He has the head of a Queen Alien Xenomorph and that body of a appetizer bucket from Joe’s Crab Shack. I’m not gonna lie, I would eat one. Tempura battered soft shell Acklay with some honey soy dipping sauce.

8 - The Happabore

Did they milk it?

Max says: Someday, I hope to be a father so I can share my love of Star Wars with my kids. I can’t wait to tell them about how excited I was for The Force Awakens, and how one of the first creatures revealed was a big, gross hippopotamus pig from early leaked set photos. I’ll tell my kids how the leaked set photos gave me hope for The Force Awakens and how a year later, on opening night, I pointed and shouted when the big gross hippopotamus pig filled the screen, shoving Finn away from its water trough. Then, in the next scene, an entire theatre stared right into its buttcrack. The big gross hippopotamus pig is called a Happabore and I think it’s just a lovely animal.

Brian says: Hey, why did they keep that thing in that otherwise barebones, broke down, impoverished marketplace? Did they milk it? I think they did. I think they drank that large, gross, burlap bag of a monster’s milk when the sun got too hot on Jakku and they needed something to drink. I’m gonna go throw up.

7 - The Sarlacc

 

A hole the desert that eats stuff is a pretty cool hole.

Max says: Boba Fett is my favorite Star Wars character, so I have mixed feelings about the animal that eventually eats him (whether or not it kills him is still open to discussion) but there’s no denying that a hole the desert that eats stuff is a pretty cool hole. I bet there’s a ton of cool stuff at the bottom of the Sarlacc if you went down in there with a flashlight and looked around, but the same could be said about most lakes, and it’s probably easier to just drain a lake than go inside a Sarlacc Pit.

Brian says: The cool thing about Sarlacc pits is how it takes them 1,000 years to digest something, so if you dropped a boombox in there in the ‘80s or a Street Fighter II arcade cabinet in there in the ‘90s, it would mostly still be in pretty good shape and you could still use it.

6 - Banthas

The beloved yak-horses of the Sand People.

Max says: Ah, Banthas, the beloved yak-horses of the Sand People. They're actually the first animals to appear in Star Wars. But hey, how weird would it be if they were the only animals that ever appeared in Star Wars? Like, that’s what Luke had to ride around on Hoth, and what Jabba fed his enemies to? And what if the Speeder Bike chase was on Banthas? What if Anakin and Obi-Wan's final battle took place on Banthas instead of lava? Star Wars would suck if it only had Banthas! Luckily, there are lots of other animals, too. Anyway, Banthas are okay I guess.

Brian says: They’re also the only animals in Star Wars that get their poop specifically mentioned.

Continues

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