Hey, everyone. I'm back!
I know I've been gone for a few weeks but I wa...OH MY GOD!
HOLY HELL THAT LOOKED AWFUL! OH MAN! I FEEL UNWELL!
That was so uncalled for. Ugh. I know Cena's blood is made of pure bees and all of his bones are coated in vibranium secretly harvested from Wakanda, but this guy's already in serious danger of not being able to walk upright ten years from now. And as bad as that neck crunch looked from the angle in the above .gif, it looked even worse from the side when WWE replayed it over and over in slo-mo. It looked like when you fold up a slice of pizza to eat it like a taco. It looked like he was a cartoon coyote and had tried, and failed to blow up the roadrunner.
Now, what happened? I have no idea. Some will blame Cena for not "being able to take the bump right" and others will call out Nakamura for not "doing something he should have done to prevent Cena's spine from being destroyed" but none of us knows how it truly works. After the bell, and some of the celebrating, Nakamura mouthed "I'm sorry" to Cena. To which Cena responded with something along the lines of "Don't be sorry. I love you. I've always loved you. Run away with me. Let's be Kings of Dong Style."
Cena was cool with it all right then and there, but you have to wonder if there's some lingering pain happening today. I haven't seen anything online about his condition, but I hope he at least gets himself checked out. I'm sure he did. It could just be one of those things that looked worse than it was, like when Lita folded herself completely backwards in that infamous suicide dive they love to show us whenever there's a video package of her, but it's more likely that Cena will feel that fall a lot more in the days to come. Last night, he had all the adrenaline in the world pumping through his bee tubes so he could shake off something that would crippled a normal human being.
Cena's also got a big blockbuster movie to think about. No more Marine flicks or comedy cameos for this Doctoral Candidate for Thuganomics. Yes, John has a giant swollen Transformers movie to star in. He's finally in. He made it. The Hasbro-verse is going to test Cena's "franchise viagra" skills (which has been The Rock's specialty) in the '80s-set Bumblebee movie. But, most importantly, will he have a name as dope as Mark Wahlberg's Cade Yeager? Let's run through some options.
- Hammer McFadden
- Large Ethan
- Jasper Thunderbuck
- Fred Beef
- Sexhard Feldspar
Strangely though, Cena's diabolical neck crunch sort of helped sell the finish. It basically put over the fact that the exploder suplex was enough to level Cena and prime him for the Kinshasa. So there's this weird element that felt like maybe it was almost supposed to go down like that. Man, you never know with wrestling. Bayley's injured too right now and we're left, as usual, wondering how real it is. Anything that gets that much coverage on dot com could be fake. Or, most likely, it's a crazy mixture of lies and truth.
Braun's recent surgery was this huge deal that they covered extensively, but then he was practically back before they could finish sending out the tweets. Is Bayley so hurt that she's out of SummerSlam or is this injury just going to factor into the match? Either causing her to lose or making her underdog win taste even more sweet? She was crying in the backstage video they made, but Bayley cries quite a bit. Being teary eyed is almost part of her gimmick. WHAT IS REAL EVEN?
As an addendum to the neck story, Cena, after getting dumped on his dome like he did, decided that he'd do some dangerous dumping of his own after SmackDown went off the air. Smell you later forever, Baron Corbin! Oof!
Also, some of you may have noticed that there are huge Blackcraft Cult t-shirt displays at Hot Topic now. I wonder how Corbin feels having his signature wolf garb get co-opted by My Parents R Divorced R Us.
This Wrap Up isn't going to be double-sized or anything just because I took a couple weeks off. I'm not going to delve into everything I missed but I guess The Drifter Elias Samson is just "Elias" now. I know he ditched Drifter when he came to RAW, but now he's dropped his last name too. It's fine, I guess.
I'll always just call him Drifter, but this feels like if Duke "The Dumpster" Droese had just gone by "Duke." And then no one ever really brought up the fact that he was, apparently, a fully employed garbage man who carried a trash can to the ring.
Actually, come to think of it, that would have been awesome. Not just for Droese, but for any wrestler, past and present, whose gimmick is, or was, a career or trade other than pro-wrestling.
What if they'd never explained why Irwin Schyster carried a briefcase and wore a tie? Or why Rick Martel all of a sudden started wearing sunglasses and a scarf? Or why Tito Santana fancied himself a bullfighter? You know, Aiden English has a little bit of that going now (as well as a mini-push) in that he's not a Broadway star, but he wants to be. Isn't his thing that he feels being in the WWE is somehow his ticket to stardom upon the stage? As if WWE is the stepping stone to a much less lucrative career? At least the Drifter's alt-career is that he has no career. It is funny how he's able to make all his appointed RAW call times though. As a Drifter. I always thought it'd be funny if he no-showed a few matches. Because Drift Life.
Continue on for more from RAW and SmackDown...
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